I Kissed Online Dating Goodbye
Let me make a quick disclaimer and say that online dating is, in general, a great way for people to meet people or even their future spouse. By now you have known of someone who has gotten married through one of these sites? With that being said I kissed online dating goodbye.
We are living in a “Have it your way” culture. When we want it we got it, from on-line shopping with next day delivery, to bootleg movies being sent to our cell phones before coming to theatres. We have created a culture in which we expect to get what we want when we want it, and in the way we like it. It is no wonder then that on-line dating has exploded as a means for finding that special someone. Just log on to the site and search through a menu-list for your perfect soul mate.
The reason why online dating was challenging for me was that I didn’t know what I wanted. Even more so, I suspect, I was looking for that feeling, that uncomparable zing thing, that “you will know when you meet him” kind of feeling to hit me when I went on dates. Getting zinged is really difficult when your expectations are so high. Plus, if things didn’t go well I always had 100 other “what if’s and potential zings” waiting back on line to be discovered.
“Having it my way” was interfering with what my heart yearned for most – serendipity. Defined, serendipity means having that something to make fortunate discoveries by accident. Accidents are things that are often left to chance, or at least chance by our human minds. At weddings we love to hear stories about how the happy couple met. The best stories are those in which serendipity is involved. “I was at the Vegas airport Starbucks. He was standing in front of me in line ordering a half caff. He was wearing a New Order shirt and I said ‘Great band’. We talked for an hour before our planes left. He got my number and we never stopped talking. We got married one year to the date of when we met in line.” Serendipity is all about meeting someone in line, not meeting someone online.
Why is it we love these chance encounters? I think its because we like to believe that our destiny, our finding the love of our life, is not found in our own hands, but in God’s. We want to believe that our lives have a purpose. We hope that one of the most important relationships in our life is also being orchestrated by God. I want to believe that God has a plan for me so wonderful I can’t order it, specify it, buy it, earn it, or imagine it. I yearn to believe that love will come my way despite myself.
G.K. Chesterton spoke to my heart with these few lines from his well known work Orthodoxy: “(Man) was always outstripping his mercies with his own invented needs. His very power of enjoyment destroyed half his joys. By asking for pleasure, he lost the chief pleasure, for the chief pleasure is surprise.” What Chesterton is saying is that by doing things our way we become experts at pleasure seeking. This pleasure seeking, however, robs us of our joy which is inexplicably more deeper than pleasure. And pleasure seeking keeps us from the season of the wait, the perfect breeding ground for experiencing the full beauty of the surprise which our Father has in store.
Fortunately, this sentiment against on-line dating is not only held by this author, a “single scorned”. Oprah’s favorite sex-pert Robert Weiss (and Jennifer Schnieder, MD, PhD) also warn of some potential pitfalls of online dating in Untangling the Web: Sex, Porn, and Fantasy Obsession in the Internet Age (2006). They explain that online dating sets up false expectations and creates barriers to really getting to know the person. It provides “…a perfect set-up for ‘falling in love’….(because) it is often easier to express your feelings more openly and honestly” via computer (p. 86). This set-up also encourages fantasy making that may not survive the first face-to-face meeting.
The pain I felt with on-line dating is the pain suffered from deflated fantasies, both mine and those I caused. Forget my personal pain, but what about the well-intentioned man that traveled from Scotland only to meet my deflated heart in the airport terminal. Men, try spending a week in a foreign country putting on a good face in front of a dissapointed woman! He left the “I (heart) New York” t-shirt I got for him as a welcome present, neatly folded on the bed as he left. I suspect he left a part of his heart somewhere behind in the U.S. as well. Or what about the man I spent a month worth of time talking by phone and sharing my heart and aspirations with. When we attempted to meet up once while on a trip to his city, our evening plan for dinner, got changed to a Saturday plan for lunch, and then finally a squeezed in coffee after some tasks he had to run. Finally I said, “Forget it.” My fantasy of “this is a potential” was not to be relegated to a coffee squeezed in between errands. Especially since I was coming in from out of town and our degree of over the phone intimacy did not merit a latte. Get the picture?
So have courage. Those who have firm boundaries and tendency against flights of fancy, you may find a great forum for on-line loving. For the rest of us dreamers, I hold out for serendipity.
i had given up entirely. i had tried it all and had met my fair share of unsavory (that’s as polite a word as i can possibly use) dates. i was continually hurt and repeatedly faced with disappointment, and still the longing would not abate. but i stopped seeking it. i gave up on dating and on romance, and sought after God with every fiber of my being.
i really, truly, and in the depths of my heart gave up. and then about a year later (loooooong story being made short here) i accepted a friend request on facebook from an acquaintance of mine from college (who i hadn’t seen or heard from in the 9 years since i had graduated) who only got on there because he had broken his neck in a farming accident and had all kinds of free time on his hands.
i’m leaving out a whole lot of detail that would more clearly delineate just how entirely impossible this all was, but two months later we were in love and 2-1/2 weeks after that we were engaged. from facebook friend acceptance to wedding date was about six months. taking into consideration the whole and the breadth of our stories, it was really and truly something only God could have done. it gives us such confidence and hope. married 3 months now, we still look at each other completely baffled sometimes & wonder how in the world it all happened. the short answer is that God did it. and perhaps that is the truest answer, after all.
Kim,
This is really fantastic. And you helped put some of my feelings/thoughts about on-line dating into words I hadn’t yet found. I just ended up frustrated and out $40-$50 (more than once…). And while I’ve gone to the weddings of friends who met their mate on-line…and that gave me hope…I guess it just wasn’t for me. And that is because I love serendipity waaaaaaaaay to much. And really do want God to be the author of my love story. Thanks for helping me put it into words.
I got to know/dated my ex-husband via an archaic form of on-line dating. We got married 20 years ago and divorced 10 years ago. Enough said. Great blog, Kim.
kim
i really was glad to read this blog and agree with u all the way…its great to see u using the pain of bad dating experiences to help others ….funny how God is able to open our eyes to see more clearly…im so glad that u are not searching for a man on-line anymore…who knows…..when u stop looking and find Jesus as your contentment what God will bring into your life…He is the Best Husband any of us could ever have that is for sure…
i have found that in my 13 years of being single that Jesus is a real Friend…the kind my soul longed for…He takes my tears when im lonely, sad, frustrated and bottles them….He always knows what i mean even when i dont say a word…i dont have to explain myself to Him heheh…He is my Greatest Treasure…and now that i do have a “boyfriend”….He is still my Greatest Treasure…cause my boyfriend doesnt always act the way i want him to or understand what i mean…or he even hurts my feelings…heheh….Jesus has never done that …..:))
so excited for u sis…miss u…love u….thank u for the card in the mail
love brooke
Nice article Kim. I never tried online dating but was always curious. No need for it no obviously since I’m married but definitely see your point. America is all about conveienance even down to dating. Speaking of serendepity, have you seen the movie?
Nice article Kim. I never tried online dating but was always curious. No need for it no obviously since I’m married but definitely see your point. America is all about conveienance even down to dating. Speaking of serendepity, have you seen the movie?
Sorry… forgot to say great post – can’t wait to read your next one!
Excellent!
“And the grace of our Lord was exceedingly abundant, with faith and LOVE which are in Christ Jesus.” 1 Timothy 1:14
Hi Kim,
Interesting thoughts, but I’m going to have to challenge you on this one. What fun would a blog be with some disagreements? Not because you need to date online, but because in relation to trusting God to provide a partner there is nothing wrong with meeting someone online. Who we meet and how we meet is ultimately in God’s hands, however God has given us freedom to make choices about where we go and what we do. You could draw the line in this discussion all the way to the predestination vs. free will theological discussion. But I do not believe it is an either/or thing.
In Jane Austin’s time going to a ball or a dinner that your relatives invited you to, were some potential ways that you could met a potential spouse. For my grandparents it was high school. In our generation meeting online is a new possibility. For some it just doesn’t sound romantic enough, but perhaps that is because only a few romantic tales (such as “You’ve Got Mail”) have been told about couples who meet in this way. For many generations in many different cultures people did not and do not rely on serendipity to be the small flame that becomes a lasting love relationship. Try watching Bollywood movies! Of course online dating has some dangers as you’ve highlighted (such as premature/false intimacy), however other forms of courtship have other problems as well.
kim
i really was glad to read this blog and agree with u all the way…its great to see u using the pain of bad dating experiences to help others ….funny how God is able to open our eyes to see more clearly…im so glad that u are not searching for a man on-line anymore…who knows…..when u stop looking and find Jesus as your contentment what God will bring into your life…He is the Best Husband any of us could ever have that is for sure…
i have found that in my 13 years of being single that Jesus is a real Friend…the kind my soul longed for…He takes my tears when im lonely, sad, frustrated and bottles them….He always knows what i mean even when i dont say a word…i dont have to explain myself to Him heheh…He is my Greatest Treasure…and now that i do have a “boyfriend”….He is still my Greatest Treasure…cause my boyfriend doesnt always act the way i want him to or understand what i mean…or he even hurts my feelings…heheh….Jesus has never done that …..:))
so excited for u sis…miss u…love u….thank u for the card in the mail
love brooke